The chages are quite subtle, actually. I didn't even notice them at first. Ok, several things. The removing of unnecessary dialogue represents Cass's quiet nature very well. She seems to be a little shy even talking to Kirra. One thing you could have done is change Cass's face a little more on page 5 or so, to make it look more like the more recent pages. Also, (and this is strictly my personal opinion), the "I felt sorry for the king" seems just a little...how should I put it? Dull. Don't take that a bad way, but I think, well, most children would have felt sorry for the king, right? The wizard is portrayed as the "villain", as the natural antagonist. But, well, being the complicated character she is, Cass might see something deeper in the wizard, as not be so quick to judge him. Overall, I can really see some of the changes! Keep up the good work.
I'm reading a little more. I apologize if i'm being a little too thorough of a critic I'm noticing even bigger changes! Cass's face as the Dobbins left Quicy's shop used to be one of anger, but now is changed to sad/looking aside/slightly embarassed. That really doesn't change much, but I guess there really wasn't a justified reason for Cass to be angry until they mocked her. Another one is a much bigger change, and much for significant to the plot. The edits on page 20 really solves the little paradoxial mistakes that so very often pops up in stories. And it's simple too, a minimal change in dialogue, which I like (If anyone doesn't know what i'm talking about, refer to page 01, the first dialogue). Is it just me, or did you add some shading to the past panel on page 25? If so, i like it. I think you said that's all you've rewritten so far. I'll leave now to wait for responses from other readers. Go Pathen!
Yes, the page 1 dialog did change. I'm surprised you noticed some of those changes- but I am glad they weren't wasted.
Cas is not your average kid, but the problem with the old version of Page 1 is that it was a little too upfront about that.
Part of why Imaginary has been difficult in the writing, is because after the "introduction" chapters, the story is almost entirely character driven, and uses very few plot devices to move things along. So sorting out the character's motives ahead of time is pretty essential to making sure everything makes sense once it gets put together.
Cas is who she is. If you're disappointed in Cas for saying she feels sorry for the King, I can only say, without spoiling anything, to read on.
Post by bladegryphon on Dec 5, 2009 22:57:05 GMT -5
The switch in narrators on pages 12-13 is quite effective. Having Kirra explain Cas' situation reinforces Cas' quiet nature, and makes the readers curious without yet giving a good window into her thoughts. Having it be from an outside perspective rather than a subjective one also results in a stronger statement of the facts.
Good job on the art edits as well. Subtle, but the overall look holds together better.
GASP! Is that a mistake that I see? On page 19, panel 5, Quincy says "Though I don't suppose she'll mind if you hold onto it for her, of course..." Now, I may be wrong, but I think he's adressing Cass here, and that would mean he referred to Kirra as a she? I thought Kirra was male?